I am pursuing my creativity like a lover in the darkness. Finding each other in every moment possible, embracing in the most intimate way. Remembering each curve, each kiss, each moment of ecstasy. Remembering our connection while we breathe life back into each other. Such bliss, such freedom, such contentment arises when we sneak away from everything or everyone else. We know we need this. We know, that to live fully, this union is imperative.
These moments of creativity are the foundation of what fuels my soul, and the soul loves the truth. My creativity as a lover stirs within me this sense of passion, newfound energy, and a pursuit of what lights me up. She might spend five minutes with me or a couple days, but either way, I create. She finds me in new ways; my body captivated by music, a poem sprawled across my notebook, a painting splashed onto my paper, whatever it is, I welcome her.
We find each other in the dark of night, in the fleeting moments of the day, while waiting in line; anywhere I am open to receive her, she finds me. This allure, this chemistry, this pull towards each other draws out what's wanting to come to life. With every smudge of paint, musical cord, or pen stroke, we both come alive, activating all the forgotten parts of myself.
I am seen in these moments of passion. Acknowledgment or praise is not needed for it's not about you or anyone else, but me, in that moment of creation. It's about expressing myself fully so I see myself, and that is more powerful than anything else. My creativity fuels the rest of my life, and so I must continue to dedicate myself to that; to my raw and honest passion.
Yesterday was one of those dark days were I saw no point to this life I'm moving around in. I saw no relief to the mental anguish that continued to pommel my mind and spirit, as it began to move into my physical body causing pain. There's still so much about myself that's a mystery to me. Why is it that one day I feel completely charged and ready to take on the world, and the next feeling completely detached from everything. Nothing happened out of the ordinary, just a typical day in my life, and yet, it was immobilizing and exhausting taking every ounce of energy I contained.
I'm now realizing I have made life choices based on the assumed opinions of others, and these choices have given me many experiences that I can learn and grow from, but they haven't given me fulfillment. So the weight of those choices hit me so hard yesterday that it took all my resources I needed to function well. I bounced back and forth between immature thoughts of "I just wasted 15 year of my life," to "but I'm coming full circle, I'm aware again."
Those 15 years of taking a round-about way back to me weren't horrible or agonizing, but I wasn't really there either. I was always in the past or the future; reminiscing, regretting, wishing, longing. I'm realizing that my self-worth has been tied into all my past "failures," and I permitted myself to not move forward, take risks, or be deeply moved by my true gifts. Self-doubt has been leading me further from who I am, and deeper into this layered darkness that I have created.
I went to bed last night emotional, unsure of what my next step would be, and completely unhinged about why this mental anguish wouldn't just go away. I just want to live my fucking life and be happy with everything; every up, every down, every circumstance, and every pulse of life that I encounter.
Upon falling asleep, I found myself within a dream where I was given a healing talisman of a large crystal wand. This wand was made of huge round deep red Beryl crystals on both ends. I knew to hold it to my 3rd and 4th chakra, and I strongly remember the energy I felt that came from this talisman. I saw it come out in waves from my body. Almost like, as I was healing, healing energy also pulsated out of me to those around me. As this energy pulsated out of me, I was in a group listening to a form of music from an exotic looking stringed instrument. I then found myself helping others make sandwiches, but on mine, I sprinkled crushed crystals on them, like a seasoning. There were so many black tourmaline wands, but they were too big to put on the sandwiches. Towards the end of the dream the black tourmaline wands turned into black tourmaline writing pens.
I awoke knowing I had a deep and powerful dream linked to my own healing, and a glimpse into my next step in this process of coming back to me. I can use the powerful image and feeling I was given in the dream to continue my healing though visualization and meditation; recalling the talisman next to my heart and solar plexus. And of course, writing. Maybe that's journaling, blogging, a book, or something else entirely. All I know is writing will aid in my healing.
Although I still feel lost and scattered, I know this is a process and not an immediate recovery. As I progress on this journey of mine, I remember that every choice either gets me closer or farther away from my essential self. Being flexible and present, trusting my inner voice, and valuing my choices will allow me to express myself fully and create the freedom I need to break from the darkness I had manifested. So be it, and so it is.