Embodiment. the representation or expression of something in a tangible or visible form.
This. This right here calls to me on a deep soul level. To express myself in a visible or tangible form as it brings me more freedom and creativity. Not worrying about perfection or getting something right, but just expressing myself authentically in this physical reality. My reality. This movement, this dance that breaks down walls and melts icy barricades flows so smoothly and in sync with my own rhythm. Encompassing all that I am and ever dream to be, embodiment captures my essence as she lulls me with her song, bringing me ever closer to her bosom.
She sings. I dance. She drums. I find my voice. This connection between creative force and visible form are so strong that the pull anchors me to the ground. There is no denying that she is me and I am she. We are interwoven together in this magical tapestry of the soul; knowing that without a physical manifestation of our creations, they cease to form.
We must speak out our truths, move our bodies, feel our own rhythms, and express ourselves in a tangible way in this world. Look at me! Look at us! We are vibrant, moving, fluid, sensual beings that have worth, whether you say so or not. I am worthy because I am me. And this is my unique spark to the world, to myself; these gifts of the feminine that run through my veins. This mystical flame that will never yield, but will always burn hot. I am movement. I am courageous. I am infinite.
This is my life. This whirlwind of ups and downs, moments of creative motivation and times of complete mental loss. This space between my two realities; one of absolute creative, life-giving energy, and the other is absolute death and desertion. I am always in this flux between these worlds of mine, striving for health, joy, connection, creativity and life, but knowing and wondering when this other reality will come crashing down on me.
I read Divine Suicide: Depressive Breakdown as a Call to Awakening, by Jeff Foster, and something within me opened and began to release. Tears came to my eyes, relief flooded over me, and I felt understood. To quote Jeff Foster, "It's interesting that the word "depressed" is spoken phonetically as "deep rest." We can view depression not as a mental illness, but on a deeper level, as a profound (and very misunderstood) state of deep rest, entered into when we are completely exhausted by the weight of our own (false) story of ourselves. It is an unconscious loss of interest in the second-hand -- longing to 'die' to the false. This longing needs to be honored, not medicated, meditated or analysed away."
I have known since the beginning of the year that something of me needed to die; fall away; be released. I'm still not sure what it is, but I am allowing it to have space. Taking time to FEEL what needs to be felt. SPEAKING what needs to be spoken. And LIVING into what needs to be given life. This 'death' of myself is rattling every fiber of my being. I become lost in my two realities, wanting one to fall away and be done with me already. I know I must acknowledge them both, give them each their space, all while taking measures to maintain my well-being.
Again, Jeff Foster states, "It's amazing what can evolve naturally when depression and the desire for suicide (which is the desire for the deep rest of yourself) are truly honored, met, embraced, held, and you do not flinch from pain or turn away from it. It's amazing what can happen when you actively listen to the one in front of you from a loving place of non-judgmental acceptance, trusting the intelligence of life itself, and allowing the divine and loving suicide of awakening to weave its mysterious magic."
When are we going to honor ourselves? When are we going to feel our pain, face it head on? When will we listen to ourselves without judgment? When will we realize that we just want to live; live fully and passionately?
This life of mine is messy beautiful. This flux of inclusion and seclusion of self can be debilitating, but I am gaining more consciousness and awareness of my own state of 'deep rest.' I am feeling into my body, using her as a guide as she confides in me daily. All I need to do is listen. The days I can, I will embody my truth, feeling every fiber of my being, even when it's excruciating. I need to sit with my pain and joy, allow them to bring me back to oneness; knowing that when I do, I am more fully present and alive. That this is a season, and I have all the time in the world. And to just breathe.
From my dreams, you call me. Luring me down to the stream; fear pulsing through my veins. You are stealthy, powerful, seductive. Always watching, yet I never know where you are. You are there in the shadows and in the canopy of trees. You are right beside me and yet far away. My heart is pounding as fear runs through my veins. My body is hot and can't seem to move smoothly. I know you're there, ready to pounce, stalking me in the darkness. But I know I must face you; to acknowledge your presence; to confront this power within me. I am the prey. I am the huntress. Do I choose to be seduced by this raw fierceness or fall prey to my fears? I continue to creep along until I arrive at my sacred solace among the cold waters. Resting upon my rocky throne, my fears washed away with the current; I am silent, powerful, connected. Here, I know who I am. Here is where I come alive. Here is where fear met power. And power won.
My head is swimming with so many thoughts. They pummel my shore, creating sand from my mountains. I am overwhelmed, and nothing seems to help. Not my usual drumming, or meditation, or painting or self-expression. Nothing. I'm in this space of needing to take action or to begin the process of letting go. Within this container of complete discomfort, I feel pressed in on all sides, and am unable to see which direction is "best" for me. It has forced me into this open dialogue with those around me, in which these thoughts effect. This deep fear surfaces, one that is drenched in grief and sorrow and pain. It haunts me, and won't release it's painful grip. I try to shake it off, but it's dripping with past memories and stories, and knows it has me caught within it's web. I scream and cry, but it's hold only gets tighter. No amount of emotional release or grounding will tame it's poison; it's fangs have set deep within my bosom. As the poison makes its way through me, I slice away the pieces of myself it destroys; leaving a pile of decaying rot at my feet. Cutting and slicing until nothing is left. I am within this decaying rot wondering where I am and what happened to this life I previously created. As I seep into the ground, breaking down even further into nothingness, I am resting. Finally resting; resting, resting, resting. Nothing else, but utter rest is what I am. Laying fallow, gaining my strength, all within this dark, nourishing womb space of my Mother. And that's all that is required of me. To rest. To do nothing. To be. To lay fallow and allow nourishment to return to my bones.
Within this darkness, my mind becomes still. Within this deep rest, everything ceases. I know someday I will gather my bones and rise. But for now, I am resting, resting, resting. And that is all I need.
This week I have been on a self-led retreat, making time for what my soul is hungry for before I begin leading a summer group. Even in this space of rest, freedom from kids and responsibilities, I am still fighting myself to actually do what I want to do. Here it is the last freaking day, and finally I collapse into myself, allowing my soul to be taken care of, to fall into a sea of limitless possibilities. Here is where I reside, this place of ecstasy and comfort, of sorrow and joy, all swaddling me as I release what's not meant to be so I can be more awake to this life, to this body, to this moment; releasing the past, releasing the future, releasing what might have been, or even what I thought I was longing to have or to become.
With release comes freedom, a sense of further expansion and openness, but also a sense of grief.
It's not easy to release those things in life you have been striving or longing for, only to realize those things might not be for your highest good -- even though they are good! This knowing, that even though your heart may long for something to occur or an idea to be birthed, it's not always where you need to be, or maybe at least not right now. Keeping it on the shelf, but not in your mental frame, so you can be more in THIS moment is far more fulfilling. Be here now. Right here. Amidst all the shit that comes your way, with all the joy, and the amazing moments of laughter that echo through your bones. Life is the moment between spaces; the space of joy, of sorrow, of disappointment, of anger, of stillness and chaos.
Life is when you spend time with your tribe; laughing and crying, lamenting, being so fucking angry at life's circumstances, all while staying true to who you are, loving and supporting each other.
Life is when you can't sleep and feel sick, so instead you meditate for connection and healing.
Life is when you see your past and future ghosts and allow them to move on.
Life is when you cry over the lost moments and opportunities, even though you know you will be okay; stronger and more courageous.
Life is the moment between spaces, and how we dance through those spaces determines our life. What does your dance look like? Claim what is yours and know YOU are the creator of it all. Make it how you want, live out loud, live fiercely and passionately, but most importantly, live.
I have been in this state of deep sorrow for a few months now, feeling this push/pull effect on my life and my psyche. It's leaving me drained, irritable, angry, lost, confused, sad, overwhelmed...the list goes on. I'm in this state of flux where nothing is constant, it's ever-changing and uncomfortable. And it's all within me; nothing in my home or work life has changed. I am that snake as she sheds her old skin, the woman in deep labor pain, the butterfly struggling to be free. I am having to let everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, fall away so I can re-emerge into my new creation.
Last night, my dream was beautiful, empowering, and had many messages for me. Listen closely, as I am sure there are messages for you as well...
"There was a band of women who took a stand against all that was wrong in the world, fighting for justice and saving those without a voice. They were running away from those who tried to suppress their gifts, but were never caught. One woman saved a male creature, trusted him, and had him join in their fight. These women were animal shapeshifters. Their power was within the change. One woman was speeding through space, trying to beat time, trying to make it to a certain destination before it was too late. She had already shapeshifted, and the trusted male creature began to have fear. He was scared and didn't know what to do, and his power was tied to the shapeshifters. So he began to turn off her shapeshifting ability. She screamed for him to stop, but then she exploded and her pieces fell into the planet she was about to enter. Her pieces fell into it's ocean, sinking further and further into it's depth. Slowly, piece-by-piece, she came together, creating herself into a new life."
This was just one small portion of this dream. It was insane and crazy, but felt so empowering. I know there are many messages just within this small portion, but I want to share just two of the insights I gathered from this dream:
* She didn't know she could rebuild herself because she never let herself fall apart.
* Fear is destructible, but it was also the driving force behind your re-creation.
Holy shit. Let's take that first one.
She didn't know she could rebuild herself because she never let herself fall apart.
This is all about having HUGE amounts of trust. Trust in yourself, in those around you, in the present moment, in Spirit...trust that it's okay to let your guard down and allow a deep sense of release wash over you. Trust that when you shatter into pieces, you WILL rebuild yourself. And it's all for your highest good; this release, this shattering, this death of what used to be. You and I are more than we were, and we are bigger and more magnificent than what we dream of in the future. We are here now, in this moment, in this season of life, falling apart and rebuilding ourselves into something more than we ever thought possible. But it can't happen if we don't trust this process, if we don't shatter the old self, we can never rebuild ourselves in our new creation, our new life.
On to the second. And this one made me pause for awhile, because who the hell wants fear driving them forward?!
Fear is destructible, but it was the driving force behind your re-creation.
Usually, when someone thinks of fear thoughts of immobilization or inaction come to mind. But in this dream, the fear was something more than just being afraid or unable to take action, it was a fear of what this shapeshifter could do. It was fear of the positive, of her power, of her strength, of her fierceness! It was fear of what she was becoming, and this fear was the drive that lead to her re-creation. That, in spite of her fear, she continued, she persisted, even when she knew it would destroy what once was true for her. In those moments, we yell STOP, but we know it has to happen so we can reach higher, grow more expansive, continue our work in the world, and live a more authentic, abundant life.
So, yes! Fall apart. Shatter. Shed your skin. Push through the massive pain of transformation and growth. This 'undoing' will be your sacred cocoon. Burst out of it, struggling and failing, for this will only strengthen who you are and your mission in this world. Allow this 'fear' of your freaking magnificent power drive you forward to rebuild this new creation of yourself. It's painful, scary, uncomfortable, messy, but without it you stay within the expectations you've placed on yourself and others. You can't move beyond those borders of what is and should be. Lean into it, trust yourself, and watch your unfurling. You are more than you think.
Who am I? I'm a soul who longs for you to connect deeply with yourself. To live your authentic self, out loud and fiercely. I am heart centered. My presence speaks volumes without a sound uttered. I am longing to connect with your soul so you can live the life you desire. My vibe gets to the root, so you can see more clearly. I'm authentic and love the truth. My gifts help my tribe be able to center and ground themselves to make way for absolute clarity and release; to get to the heart of the matter, letting everything else fall away so their true desires may surface. Once they release everything else, my gifts support my tribe in taking action toward their dreams.
I am discovering my gifts by trial and error, by following my interests, but mainly when I trust myself to just begin; to not wait anymore or make excuses. By embracing who I am, my gifts surface effortlessly. Not without pain or fear or anxiety, for that is all part of my journey, but I'm learning to embrace these parts because I know that every time I begin to fall a part I know I'm birthing a new part of myself, a more powerful force. A fucking profound transformation awaits me at every turn. And my tribe reflects this.
My tribe dives deep to get to the root of their problems. They do the soul work that needs to be done. They are authentic and they listen to their heart. They are supportive and dream big. They release all expectations and attachments and learn to go with the flow. They understand that storms will arise but that it's all worth it for the release and clarity that comes after. They know that for real change to occur they must be vulnerable; to trust the process, even when it's so fucking hard. Even when they feel they will fall apart, breaking wide-open, they know it's worth it because the beauty of the transformation is coming. They support each other, loving each other fiercely and openly; encouraging, empowering, and allowing each other to come to their own truth.
This is my tribe. My vibe. This is who I am.
I just returned from a women's retreat that was focused on our stories; what they are and the impact they make in the world. When we come from an authentic space of sharing our pain and sorrow, joys and triumphs, we begin to weave each of our stories together, connecting us deeply on a soul level. This knowing that we are all interwoven in a majestic Universal tapestry that is always being created anew with each experience we come in contact with is healing. Moving forward from the place we were just in while looking backward to the things that once were, to the stories that helped shape who we were, are, and are becoming, gives us a sense of depth to our souls.
This is who I am. All my pain, sorrows, joys, and loves have been leading me to this moment. This moment of truth; of embracing what was so I can be present now. Knowing that this story I am creating now is alive and breathing, and it's ready for my voice, for your voice, to rise up and be heard.
So what's your story? What has helped create who you are? Are you ready to share, to connect, to be vulnerable, to heal?
My story is needed to create the Universal tapestry. And so is yours. Rise up, embrace your truth, and share that with the world.
Deep self-care is what brings your soul in complete alignment with who you are. It's what feeds your soul on every level, and allows you to truly rest and lean into truth and trust. Deep self-care nourishes you in such a way that you feel more alive, more energetic, more complete, more passion and life! I find ways to make sure I have deep self-care on all levels; spiritual, physical, mental, energetic. I ask myself, what connects me to Source/Gaia and replenishes my energy so I am able to be mother, wife, friend, healer...then I make time for it.
Connecting in with myself daily allows me to seek my truth for that day. What does my body/mind/spirit need now? What can I do now that will replenish my energy reserves so I am available to others? How do I communicate those deep, soulful needs to myself and those around me?
And I'm not talking about the self-care that just keeps you moving, that maintains you; but the kind that transforms you.
Tending to my flame is allowing me to find my truth. Tend your flame, have the courage to speak it, and let your voice speak to you! You have all the power you need within; tap into that beautiful, soul-inspired place and allow the sacredness of who you are rise.
Some days I need complete rest or time alone, other days deep breathing is called for to calm and rejuvenate me. Whatever it might be, make time for it. I am worth it. You are worth it. And with each deep breath or meditation or drum beat we are making this world stronger with love, connection, and truth. Find your truth for today, and live it boldly.
Here I am, breaking wide open, wondering what I'm missing, or if I'm not doing or being enough. Yet suddenly realizing maybe I'm supposed to break wide open. Break every wall down, shattering who I was and freeing myself. No boundaries. No walls. No self-containment. Free. Free to express myself authentically and not give a damn what others project onto me. To release all my stories, inhibitions, fears and insecurities; nurturing the child within and bringing me back to myself; to wholeness.
This year to self-empowerment, to self-love is harder than I thought. I intuitively know what I need, but for some reason I am unable to take action. I'm allowing myself to stay within this containment of 'not enough,' which keeps me small, unseen, and unheard. My awareness around this suppressed self is becoming more and more seen, coming out of my shadows and saying that I am enough. I am seen. I am heard. I am loved. Realizing that I am afraid to be me, my soul calls out to me to step away from my traditions and to allow myself to rise from the hidden places in my soul; to embrace my own way of being in this world. That who I am is a beautiful, creative, sensual, loving, healing being, and the ways I connect with the Divine are good and wholesome. I am light and I am dark. Figuring out this unity of the two brings me face-to-face with all the parts of myself. The mundane and the extraordinary parts of my life are me, and finding ways to connect with the Divine within me while having these complete human experiences creates a deep inner peace.
I am enough. Even in the moments where my inner judge comes racing out to condemn me, I am enough. When my mind gets foggy and depression sets in, I am enough. As I rant and rave about injustices, I am enough. Joining my children in their crazy dancing, I am enough. When I laugh out loud, I am enough. I AM enough. And so are you.